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He'll ask how many people you drove who didn't have transportation.
2...God won't ask the square footage of your house,
He'll ask how many people you welcomed into your home.
3...God won't ask about the clothes you had in your closet,
He'll ask how many you helped to clothe.
4...God won't ask what your highest salary was,
He'll ask if you compromised your character to obtain it.
5...God won't ask what your job title was,
He'll ask if you performed your job to the best of your ability.
6...God won't ask how many friends you had,
He'll ask how many people to whom you were a friend.
7...God won't ask in what neighborhood you lived,
He'll ask how you treated your neighbors.
8...God won't ask about the color of your skin,
He'll ask about the content of your character.
9...God won't ask why it took you so long to seek Salvation,
He'll lovingly take you to your mansion in heaven, and not to the gates of Hell.
10...God won't ask how many people you forwarded this to,
He'll ask if you were ashamed to pass it on to your friends.
Happy moments, praise God.
Difficult moments, seek God.
Quiet moments, worship God.
Painful moments, trust God.
Every moment, thank God
A Little Syrian Boy Learns His Lesson.
>
A little Syrian boy goes into the kitchen where his mom is cooking.
While playing, he wears a "tarbouch" and a "shirwal"... and says:
"Mom, look, I'm a Lebanese boy now. "!!
His mom slaps him in the face and says "Go show your father."
He goes to his dad in the living room and says,
"Look dad, I'm a Lebanese boy."
His dad slaps him hard in the face and says, "Go show your
grandmother."
The boy goes in his grandmother's room and says,
"Look, Grandma, I'm a Lebanese boy."
His grandmother slaps him in the face and sends him back to hismother.
His mother says "See. Did you learn anything from that?"
To which the boy replies :
"Sure did !! I've only been Lebanese for five minutes and Ialready hate you Syrians."
She whispered "will it hurt me?"
"Of course not" answered he
"It's a very simple process,
You can rely on me."
She said "I'm very frightened,
I've not had this before.
My friend has had it five times
And said it can be sore."
It was growing rather painful
Tears formed in her eyes
It was hurting quite a bit now
It must have been a size.
"Calm yourself" he whispered
"His face filled with a grin
"Try and open wider
So I can get it in."
"It's coming now" he whispered
"I know" she cried in bliss
Feeling it deep within her now
She said "I am glad I'm having this."
And with a final effort
She gave a frightened shout
He gripped it in anguish
And quickly pulled it out.
She lay back quite contended
Sighed and gave a smile
She said "I'm glad I came now
You made it worth my while."
Now if you read this carefully
The dentist you will find
Is not what you imagined
It's just your dirty mind!!
IF you were born on the
1st, 10th, 19th, 28th of any month you are number 1.
2nd, 11th, 20th, 29th of any month then you are number 2.
3rd, 12th, 21st, 30th of any month then you are number 3.
4th, 13th, 22nd, 31st of any month then you are Number 4.
5th, 14th, 23rd of any month then you are number 5.
6th, 15th, 24th of any month then you are number 6.
7th, 16th, 25th of any month then you are number 7.
8th, 17th, 26th of any month then you are number 8.
9th, 18th, 27th of any month then you are number 9.
>Number 1
You are smart, a straight talker, funny, stubborn, hardworking, honest, =
jealous on a competitive basis, kind hearted, temperamental, friendly, =
and popular. You always want to be on the top and most likely to be =
independent. You are most likely to fall in love at a young age, but =
will marry once you mature! You are likely to have problems with people =
who have opposite views and you are most likely to take revenge over =
your enemies in a long time basis. You are a spender, but you will have =
a good profession in the future. If you are a guy you will be very =
popular. You can go anywhere from the local shop to the heart of the =
parliament because you are positive and talented in numerous areas. But =
in your life you will always have some people who will work hard to =
bring you & your name down. Because of your intelligence, some might =
hate you. You are a pioneer, independent & original your best match is =
4,6,8 while a good match would be with 3,5,7
>
>Number 2
No matter what, every one will love you because you are ruled by the =
Moon. You day dream a lot, you have a very low-self esteem, you need to =
have a back up for every move in your life, you are very unpredictable. =
You tend to change according to time and circumstances, selfish, have a =
very strong sense of musical and artistic talent and powerful verbal =
communication. You can be sweet as an angel and can be ruthless when =
double-crossed. Some might say you have a sixth sense. You will become a =
poet, writer, an artist or a businessperson. You are not strong in love, =
so your relationship will be in disarray until you settle down. If you =
are a girl, you will be responsible for your family. If you are a man, =
you tend to get involve in fights & arguments in the family. You will =
sacrifice your life for your family. You are gentle, intuitive with a =
broad vision. You make a well-balanced person. Your best match is 2, =
7,5, and 9 no other people can put up with you!!!
>Number 3
You are hardhearted and selfish most of the time. You always tend to =
have lots of problems within your family in the early stages but you =
will be able to cope with everything. You seem to have your way in =
everything. And from birth you would always have to work hard to achieve =
anything you want. You always make a point to set examples on others, =
especially the younger ones. Generally you are not a cool person. It's =
not easy dealing with you. A tough player you are! But once you are =
comfortable with someone, it will be a lasting friendship. You always =
earn respect from others. Your Ilk seems to have lots of worries and =
problems but they won't be for long. You will have brilliant kids! You =
love money a bit too much so temptation will push you to try endlessly. =
You will look after your family and help friends, so you will spend a =
life time just being generous and kind (except for men born=20
>on the 21st). You love your freedom, creative and ambitious, a person =
who brings beauty, hope & joy to this world!!! Your best match 6 and 9. =
Good match 1, 3, and 5
>Number 4
You are very stubborn, very hard working but unlucky in important =
matters in life, very cool and helpful. You might repel people away from =
you, you may cause nuisance to others if you are a man, as you are =
gifted with understanding other people's problems. If you are a girl, =
you excel in your studies and arts. If you are a guy you spend most of =
your time with girl friends and you tend to have too much fun with your =
mates & girls. Your friends will spend your time & money and get on with =
their life and you will be left empty handed. So be careful! You love to =
spend. Your positive side is that you are always around to help family =
and friends. You always fall in love with those younger than you. You =
often live with disappointments but you will take good care of your =
family. You need to be careful of people who will take advantage of your =
kind heart. And beware of your relationships too.=20
You are radical, patient, persistent, and a bit old-fashioned; you live =
with foundation & order. Your best match 1, 8. Good match 5, 6, and 7
>
Number 5
You are very popular and you can get things done only by talking. Even =
to your enemies! You are business-minded and like to do things =
spontaneously. You will be famous if you get involved in any business. =
Your friends and families will always ask for your help, and you are the =
one actually with the money to help your friends. You will have more =
than one relationship, but when you settle down you tend to be selfish. =
You tend to go for other relationships - even if you are married at =
times because of your popularity. You tend to get along easily with =
anyone because the numbers is a middle number. You love freedom and =
changes. You learn your life through your personal experiences. Your =
best match 1, 2, Good match 6, 8.
>
>Number 6
Ooopppss.. you were born to enjoy! You don't care about others. I mean =
you always wanted to have a lifetime of enjoyment. You will excel in =
either education or business management! You are talented, kind (but =
with only people who you think are nice), and popular. All good things =
come easily to you. Your mind and body is just made perfect for love. =
You are loveable by any number. But if you are a number 6 men, you will =
be involved in more than a few relationships until you get married. If =
you are a girl, most of you will get married/engaged early. You are a =
caring person towards your family and friends. You are a person of =
compassion, comfort & fairness, domestic responsibility, good judgment, =
and after all you can heal this world's wounds to make peace for =
everyone because you have the great power and caring talent to take the =
world of love one step further.. Your best match 7, 6, and 9. Good match =
4, 5
>
Number 7
You are realistic, confident, happy, and talented in education, music, =
art, singing, and most importantly in acting. You also have a bad =
temper! You value your family status a lot; you will be in the top rank =
when you reach a certain age. If you are a guy you are popular with =
girls. Most of the number 7s face lots of problems with their married =
life. Only a few are happy. You have everything in your life but with =
worries throughout your lifetime. You need to get ready looking for a =
partner rather than waiting. If you don't, then you might end-up being =
single. You are born to contribute to everyone's joy. Your best match is =
2. Good matches are 1,4
>
Number 8
You have a very strong personality and people will find it hard to =
understand you. You are more likely to suffer in your younger years. You =
might be also the one responsible to look out for your family. You often =
suffer all the way through life. You will learn life in a very practical =
way. You are the one who will fight for justice and may even die in the =
war too. You are normally very reserved with a handful of friends and =
most of the time, live life alone and always prepared to help others. =
However, once you settle down, (which is often late), then your had =
lucks will disappear. You will face unexpected problems such as =
encountering poisonous animals, and accidents. You are =
highly-disciplined, persistence, and courageous, and it is your strength =
that will take you to success. You are a great part of a family team. =
You are a fighter! Your Best match 1. 4, and 8. Good match 5
>
Number 9
You guys are the most incompatible people in the world. You are so =
strong, physically and mentally. You often have big-aims. You will work =
hard and will think it's still hard to get there, even if you already =
have gotten there! Normally you suffer in the early age from family =
problems and generally you will have to fight in life. You are respected =
by others. You were however very naughty in your childhood, and often =
got beaten up by your parents and had been involved in fights and you =
seemed to have suffered lots of injuries. But when you grow older you =
become calm and will fall into the quiet and dignified macho type. Love =
is not an easy matter for you. You are however good in engineering or =
banking jobs because people always trust you. Your family life is very =
good, but you will always worry over your children. Your finer qualities =
are that you are humanitarian, patient, very wise &=20
compassionate. You are born to achieve targets and serve every one =
equally without any prejudice. You are a role model for everyone. Your =
best match 3, 5,6, and 9. Good match 2
From a strictly mathematical viewpoint it goes like this:
What makes 100%?
What does it mean to give MORE that 100%?
Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%?
We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over
100%.
How about achieving 103%?
What makes up 100% in life?
Here's a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these
Questions:
If:
A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z
So, one can then conclude with mathematical certainty that while Hard Work and Knowledge will get you close, and Attitude will get you there, Bullshit and Ass Kissing will put you over the top.
I rest my case !
WHAT WOMEN SAY & REALLY MEAN:
CAN'T WE JUST BE FRIENDS?
There is no way I'm going to let any part of your body
touch any part of mine, ever again.
I JUST NEED SOME SPACE.
... without you in it.
DO I LOOK FAT IN THIS DRESS?
We haven't had a fight in a while.
NO, PIZZA'S FINE.
... you cheap slob!
I JUST DON'T WANT A BOYFRIEND NOW.
I just don't want you as a boyfriend now.
I DON'T KNOW, WHAT DO YOU WANT TO DO?
I can't believe you have nothing planned.
COME HERE.
My puppy does this, too.
I LIKE YOU, BUT...
I don't like you.
OF COURSE I LOVE YOU.
... just not in that way.
YOU NEVER LISTEN.
You never listen.
WE'RE MOVING TOO QUICKLY.
I'm not pursuing this relationship until I am positive I can't do any
better than you.
I'LL BE READY IN A MINUTE.
I'm ready, but I'm going to make you wait because I know you will.
I was a very happy person.
My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we
decided to get married.
There was only one little thing bothering me. It was her beautiful younger
sister.
My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight miniskirts,
and generally was bra-less.
She would regularly bend down when she was near me, and I always got more
than a pleasant view of her private parts.
It had to be deliberate. She never did it when she was near anyone else.
One day her "little" sister called and asked me to come over to check the
wedding invitations.
She was alone when I arrived, and she whispered to me that she had
feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome.
She told me that she wanted to make love to me just once before I got
married and committed my life to her sister.
Well, I was in total shock, and couldn't say a word.
She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want one last wild
fling, just come up and get me."
I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs.
When she reached the top she pulled off her panties and threw them down
the stairs at me.
I stood there for a moment, then turned and made a beeline straight to the
front door.
I opened the door, and headed straight towards my car.
Lo and behold, my entire future family was standing outside, all clapping!
With tears in his eyes, my father-in-law hugged me and said, "We are very
happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn't ask for better man
for our daughter. Welcome to the family".
And the moral of this story is: Always keep your condoms in your car...
Yo Momma Jokes
-Yo mommas so dumb she stopped at a stop sign and waited for it to say go!
-Yo mama so dumb she stared at da orange juice bottle cause it said concentrate
-Your momma is so fat that when she stepped on the scale it said one at a time please.
-Yo mammas so fat you could slap her legs and ride the waves
-Yo mama so dumb she sold her car for gas money
-Yo Mama's so fat, she got baptized at Sea World.
-You're mom's so stupid, she got locked up in a super market and starved
-Yo Momma is so fat she walked out in high heels and came back in flip flops.
-Yo' Momma's So Fat When her beeper goes off, people think she's backing up.
-Yo mama's so fat when she ordered a water bed they layed a blanket on the Pacific Ocean
-Yo mamma's like a shotgun, one cock and she blows.
-Yo mama so dumb that when I said "christmas is just around the corner" she went looking for it!
-Yo Mamma's so fat it takes two busses and a train to get on her good side.
-Your mom is so stupid, I said it's chilly outside, your mom ran outside wit a bowl and a spoon and asked where??
-Yo Momma so fat she stepped on da scale and and it said to be continued...
-Yo Mama's so poor, when I was asking why she was banging on the dumpster she said, "My kids locked me out."
-Yo Momma so dumb when she saw a bus with white people in it she said, "Go catch that twinky."
-Yo mommas so fat, she has to use a matress for a tampon.
-Yo mamma's so stupid, she jumped off a boat and missed the water.
-Yo mama's so fat, when she stepped on the dog's tail we had to change his name to Beaver.
-Yo momma's so fat that when she goes outside in her yellow jacket people say "Look it's the magic school bus!!!"
-Yo Mamma so fat that when the school bus drives by she yells STOP THAT TWINKIE!
-Yo Mama so fat she went into a zoo and a zookeeper said, "Oh boy...another elephant got out!"
-Yo mamma so stupid, it took her two hours to watch 60 minutes
-Yo mamma is like a brick, flat on both sides and gets laid by mexicans!
-Yo mama's so fat that when she went to wal-mart she tripped over k-mart and hit target!!!!:-D
-Yo momma is so fat, she stepped on a dollar and made change.
-Yo mama's so poor when I saw her kickin' a can down the street, I asked her what was she doing and she said she was movin'
-Your mammas so stupid she got locked in mattress store and slept on the floor.
-Yo mama so fat she sat on a rainbow and skittles came out....
-Your mama is so fat she jumped in to the ocean and the whales stated to sing we are family.
-Yo mama's so fat she has her own zipcode
-Yo Momma is like a doornob, everyone gets a turn.
-Yo mamma's so fat she fell in love and broke it
-Yo Mama's so fat, when she stepped onto the scale it said "to infinity and beyond!"
-Yo Momma so fat, when she went to swim in the ocean she said "Oops I'm in the kiddy pool!"
-I thought you were ugly ... and then I met your mama
-Yo Mamma is like a hockey playa, she doesnt changer her pads for 3 periods!
-Yo Momma's so ugly on Halloween, people go as her.
-Yo momma's so fat that when she jumped for joy she got stuck!
-Yo Momma is so fat that her cereal bowl comes with a lifeguard.
-Yo' mama so fat, she has to make a long distance call to talk to herself!
-Yo Momma so fat her tanning bed was Mexico!
-Your momma is so retarded she got stabbed in a shootout.
-Yo momma's so fat, she walked in front of the t.v and I missed a whole series of friends!
-Yo momma is so fat, she's taller sideways.
-Yo Mamma so stupid that she went to Dr. Dre for liposuction.
-Yo Momma so dumb, she sat on the TV to watch the couch
-Yo momma's so fat, she uses the pacific ocean to take a bath.
-I'm not here... but yo mama is ;-)
-Yo Momma's so horny, when she found out Winnie the Pooh had no pants, she a got a boner.
-Yo momma so greasy they hired her at the cinima to put the butter on the popcorn!
-Yo Momma so stupid her favorite color is clear.
-Yo mamas so fat that at the circus she nicknamed the elephant pee wee.
-Your momma's so fat that when she fell in the forest, the loggers said "TIMBER"!
-Your momma is so fat that when she sweats she can be used as a steam roller.
-Your momma's so fat she has to use the ocean as her toilet!
Blonde Jokes
A blonde calls her boyfriend and says, "Please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle and I can't figure out how to get it started. Her boyfriend asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?" The blonde says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a tiger. "Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle. She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table. He studies the pieces for a moment, then turns to her and says, "First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a tiger." He held her hand softly, led her to a chair and said, "Secondly, I'd advise you to relax. Let's have a cup of coffee, and then. ... "He sighed, "let's put all these Frosted Flakes back in the box."
A blonde goes to the movies, her boyfriend asks if she wants any thing to eat, she says yes M&Ms. So he goes to get her some M&Ms. He comes back with the M&Ms and gives them to her, she opens up the bag and pulls out all the brown ones and gives it to her boyfriend. Her boyfriend asked why she gave him all the brown ones, and she said "Oh I'm allergic to chocolate."
A blonde was sitting outside a store on the curb crying..the manager of the store spotted her outside and went outside and asked the blonde whats wrong...she said her mother just died..and the manager said oh I'm sorry.. the blondes cell phone starts to ring and she answers it and says hello..omg! are you serious!.. and she hangs up and the manager asks her who that was and the blonde says...that was my sister...her mom just died too!
A blonde walked into a gas station and said to the manager, "I locked my keys in my car. Do you have a coat hanger or something I can stick through the window to unlock the door?"
"Why sure," said the manager, "I have a hanger you can use."
A couple minutes later, the manager walked outside to see how the blonde was doing, he heard another voice from a blonde inside the car. "No, no! A little to the left."
There was 3 moms... 1 was brunette, 1 was a redhead and the other was a blonde. The redhead mom walks into her daughters room and finds a cigarette. She says "I didn't know my daughter smoked." The brunette walks into her daughters room and found a beer can. She say "I didn't know my daughter drank." The blonde walks into her daughters room and finds a condom. She says "I didn't know my daughter had a dick"
There's a smart blonde, and Santa Claus ... they both jump off a bridge, which one made the biggest splash? Neither .. because they both don't exist!
A blonde, brunette,and a redhead are hiding on a farm from the police. The brunette hides in the chicken pen, and when the cop goes by, she says "cluck cluck" with the chickens, and he goes by not noticing. The redhead hides in the pig pen, and when the cop goes by, she says "oink oink" and the cop doesn't notice. Now the dumb blonde goes and hides in a potatoe sack, and when the cop walks by, she says "potato potato!" and she's busted!
Once there was a blonde a red head and a bernette who got stuck on a desserted island 10 miles away from land. One day the burmette said, "I can't take this anymore" and swam three miles then drowned. Then the red head said, "I can't take this anymore either" swam 5 miles then drowned. Then the blonde said "ummm ya me neither" swam 9 miles got tired and swam back.
Blondes have more fun but at least brunettes can remember it the next day.
There is a mirror that sucks in people that lie. A red hed walks up and says "I think I am the smartest girl in the world." and she gets sucked in. A brunette walks up and says "I think I am the prettiest girl in the whole world." and she gets sucked in. Then, a blonde walks up and says "I think...I think...AHHHHHH!!!!" and she gets sucked in.
What happened to the blonde when she tried to blow up her ex husbands car?
She burnt her lips on the exhaust pipe!
How do you drown a blonde? Put a scratch and sniff sticker at the bottom of a pool.
I once knew a blonde who thought a quarterback was a refund.
Why did the blonde junp out the window?? She wanted to see how her maxi pad's wings worked!
I'm blonde whats your excuse?
I'm blonde and I'm out trying to prank call 911 but I can't find the 11 be back when I find it.
I just found out Slim Shady is Eminem!!! I HAVE TO TELL THE WORLD
We all have our blonde streaks but you used the whole bottle of dye!
What is the smartest blonde? Let me think. Apparently not you, it must be the Golden Retriever.
I'm not stupid but I'll admit that I'm blonde, Just give me time ... hey look there's a bird.
Never overestimate the power of blondes especally if there is more than one.
What do you do when you see a one-legged blonde? Stop laughing and reload.
Just because you're blonde doesn't mean you have an excuse for being stupid. :-D
How do you kill a blonde... Tell her to catch a deep sea fish.
I'm out like a blonde in trig.
